4. Relationships are based on “working on X,Y,Z” and/or being better in some way in the future.
“I’m working on my X issues” “Im working on me” “I’m working on self love”
Who is working on what and why? How can something that is labeled as “broken” get fixed?
How can someone who assumes a lack of self love practice self love? How does one’s traumatized sense of self heal itself?
Medicating a “negative” or using force to overcome a “negative” still just validates and solidifies the power of the “negative.”
Once we find the cause, do we find the cause of the cause? And the cause of the cause of the cause? Ad infiitum.
To give a personal example, a few people through out my life have labeled and boxed me as “having abandonment issues” because I was adopted at a birth. Seems like a logical conclusion and a concise explanation for the disappointment and let down I’ve experienced in relationships in this particular incarnation. Or is this because I’ve also been labeled a Myer-Briggs INFJ, Enneagram 4, Human Design 2/4, Astrological Cancer, Chinese Wood Rat (etc.)?
The basic theme of each of these is that I’m “supposed to be” a weirdo outsider hermit character. So then, why am I the way that I am? Is the the chicken or the egg?
(For more info on this fascinating subject, please check out “Why I have Felt Angry, Sad, and Lonely For Most of My Life.”)
We love to get on board with these kinds of explanations because they offer external reasons as to why we are “fucked up” while seemingly offering a concrete path to becoming “better.”
They also open to the door to a whole host of shoulds, shouldn’ts, must, mustn’ts.
Most people miss this one thing: we’re all fucked up.
We all have hangs-ups, and there is no perfect state or end goal to be reached. For far too long we’ve been sold ridiculous inhumane ideas for what we should or ought to be. Beyond the media, we get this from religious ideals, from new age advice—even from modern psychology.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with learning from such arenas, but I’m suggesting that buying into these kinds of theories (ie: believing everything we read) facilitates the mechanistic, divisional, and salvational thinking which is abundant on the planet today.
And that’s what can destroy relationships, even when we think we are healing them.
It’s time that we move past this guilt based sub-human morbidity and start embracing, appreciating, and understanding what is human and what is normal for us. All of this fear, shame, and guilt isn’t helping anyone…other than those who somehow profit off of it—energetically, monetarily, or both.