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To all my sisters, near and far:

I want to say: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I have barricaded my heart and prevented you from loving me through what may seem like an impenetrable shield that I unconsciously created.

I’m sorry for keeping you at a distance as I navigate my way through, what feels like, the fires of hell.

I’m sorry for believing that you cannot handle my pain, that you are not equipped to support me in this time of tumult, that you wouldn’t understand what it is I am going through.

I have not wanted to subject you to my anguish, so I’ve worked hard to keep you safe from the hurt I am feeling. And yet, my trying to keep you safe is undermining your potent strength. 

Who am I to say that you are not strong enough to handle my storm?

Who am I to assume that you wouldn’t comprehend what it is that I endure?

Who am I to stand in your way of loving me through this f*cking mess?

I wonder, where the truth is in the oscillation between receiving support from others and being responsible for one’s own journey?